Appropriately, this Monday is Casimir Pulaski Day in Illinois. I recently started listening to Sufjan Stevens pretty heavily and this song struck a serious cord with me. He manages to put into words so eloquently a vision of my own childhood in Oklahoma. Young love and struggling with religion.

It brings up so many old feelings of ignorance and youth. Building a relationship with someone special, struggling with what God meant, mom being overseas, falling in love and having no idea what that was or what it meant. The entire experience of just trying to hold it together as an angsty teenager. All the while keeping the appearance of everything being ok. With my shirt tucked in, and my shoes untied.

Loss. Leaving behind everything I knew. Flannery O'Connor said nothing needed to happen in a writer's life after they were 20. By then they'd experienced more than enough to last their creative life. I resonate with this. There was so much life packed into my first 20 years that sitting at 25 I'm baffled that I'm still in one piece emotionally. The human abilities to endure and change are impressive.

Remembering so vividly what it felt like to be extremely religious is strange. All the Glory that the lord has made, and the complications when I see his face, in the morning in the window. All the glory when he took our place, but he took my shoulders and he shook my face... and he takes and he takes and he takes. In a way I'm nostalgic for these feelings. I'm glad to be having them because it's been so long I feel like I'm reconnecting with a lost part of myself. However, the feelings it brings up made yesterday a very bad day, the first one in months.

Yearning is such a weird and intense feeling. I don't like it when it comes out of no where.

This is my first blog in this new space and it will probably be the only introspective and open one for quite some time. I plan on writing a lot about startups and projects I'm working on and other material that interests me and isn't so personal.